ChrisSandel.com

I just had a little lesson in expectant husband 101.  Thankfully I didn’t say any of these before running across this list of 32 fatal things to say to to your pregnant wife. 

32 “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
31 “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Jessica Alba had a baby!”
30 “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
29 “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
27 “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
26 “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
25 “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
22 “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
19 “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
18 “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
17 “Yeah, well you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger, Fatty.”
16 “Sure you’ll get your figure back — we’ll just search 1995 where you left it.”
15 “Keys are on the fridge, honey. I’ll see you at the hospital at half-time.”
14 “Sure, the doctor said you’re eating for two – but he didn’t mean two Orcas.”
12 “Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!”
11 “How come you’re so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?”
7 “Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?”
6 “That’s not a bun in the oven — it’s the whole friggin’ bakery!”
5 “You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive.”
4 “Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support.”
1 “I know today’s your due date, but Larry just got a 10-point buck and that’s a reason to celebrate, too.”